I am about 1 stubbed toe away from a meltdown.
This week has been challenging for both of my kiddos. I am not totally sure what is going on, but my best guess is I have been gone 2 bedtimes a week for a month. While I am home when they wake up, they are sleeping when I get home and I do not get to see them afterschool on those days. My daughter (7, almost 8) has had emotions and behaviors that many of us would classify as "sassy" or "bratty". Keep in mind I am not calling her these things, but I want to try explain so everyone can understand the behaviors I am talking about.
Last night my son (5) was at hockey practice and the night before my daughter had asked if we could spend some time together while her brother was at hockey. (Great communication skills we have been working on!!) I agreed and came up with a plan that I would meet her at hockey, after work, and we would go get popcorn and snacks and have a "movie night" at home. Our version of a movie night is cutting up paper to make movie tickets and money. They give me or my husband the ticket to get into the movie and then can give us paper money to buy snacks. It is actually a super quick and simple family activity.
Fast forward; we are at the dollar store selecting our popcorn and snack options. Daughter is well behaved at this point and isn't even pushing back when I need to set a limit on the amount of snacks she is picking. Then we go back to the arena to wait and something cracks in the emotion regulation department.
Daughter has a bottle of coke and it somehow ends up fizzing over and essentially getting her wet... we actually laughed about this but a few minutes later she is blaming someone for shaking it up. Nobody shook up the pop and we hit on the "no blaming" point we have also been working on. Move on and soon she is struggling taking turns on a tablet game her cousin had. Daughter has recently really struggled with taking FAIR turns as well as lying. Daughter is not taking fair turns and then lies to her cousin about how many turns she took. This should be minor, but we value honesty and even the small lies count. So! I speak up and remind her of the conversations we have had. Daughter remembers the conversations initially but when I need to keep reminding her starts to get defensive.
Idk if anyone else's daughter is similar but my daughter gets defensive and starts talking "sassy" to everyone. This is also a behavior we are not going to tolerate. Now my warnings are for her verbal behaviors and tone, lying, and fair turns; they are really piling up. At this point I really start to get some sass; we are both overwhelmed and standing our ground. My verbal reminders are obviously not working so I start to consider physical consequences.
Now here is the kicker, consequences are defined as either negative punishment or positive punishment. Negative punishment is taking away something the child wants. Positive punishment is giving the child something they don't want (like writing sentences or chores). I can really struggle with follow through so I typically rely on negative punishment; things like taking away a tablet. Punishment is only considered punishment when the desired effect, "a decrease in the identified behavior" is likely and/or actually reached. Typically a punishment that is effective for my daughter is warning to take away the tablet and then taking the tablet away. This was not the case today.
The poor behaviors continued to the point I have warned her that the "movie night" plan could be canceled if the behavior continues (primarily being/talking rude to everyone around her). I was crushed when I had to say movie night was cancelled. And any punishment is only effective with follow through. This was one of the nights I was home for bedtime and it was supposed to be a great time, and here I was following through on a punishment and missing out on that quality time I so much wanted. I had to remind myself that follow through was the only way that any of my future consequences would be taken seriously.
So I stayed consistent and followed through. This led to a total breakdown. When kids reach that breakdown point, there is no talking to them. We as millennial parents are working diligently on healthier parenting styles so first follow through may feel difficult especially with a more severe punishment, and second we want to talk it out. I wanted to talk it out and feel better and move on, but my daughter just wasn't in that space yet. So I had to walk. I left her in her room and I angry cleaned the kitchen. Until we both were calmed down and capable of talking again.
So when should we talk and when should we walk. I go by these guidelines for myself and my household, yours may be different. It would be helpful to reflect on this a bit so you aren't caught off guard or inconsistent and can even hold ourselves accountable when we just aren't helping the situation.
When to walk:
- If emotions are too high; for child or for me. Yes for me too, I can get angry and be mean too.
- If there are crying behaviors; nobody can hear when you're already crying. Further we don't want to be telling our kids to "quit crying" all the time; eventually they will stop crying.
- If there are aggressive behaviors; we have a firm boundary that if you are aggressive, whether that be throwing things or trying to smash things or hurt things you will be in your room without an audience to potentially reinforce that behavior. (This does not apply if your child is hurting themselves and not things.)
- If there is a grid lock; if one or both of you are too frustrated or stubborn to openly talk about things, talking just isn't going to get anywhere.
When to talk:
- When emotions are manageable.
- When there are fewer distractions.
- When bodies are calm.
- When both people are open and seeking understanding and/or closure.
Tell me, what are your guidelines for when to walk and when to talk.
